Welcome to my collection of funny but true stories! Prepare to be entertained by tales from my life, experiences, and observations. I hope you find them amusing and perhaps even a little relatable.

Family Jokes I was brought up in a family of spontaneous humour and a few things over the years have stuck in my head. On a rare family holiday my Mum made some rather weak chicken soup. My Dad suddenly said "Is this Shadow soup" . ? We asked what that was and he said it tastes as if a Chicken had been  wafted  over a pan of water.Others that came out over the years were. "I'm not saying it was cold last night but we needed a pick axe to get out of the bath" and " That fog was so thick I banged my head on it". Another classic was " My Grandfather's Clock was too tall for the shelf sowe lowered the shelf to the floor." 

Coins of interest - Every so often I get a foreign coin in my change, although declining with the use  of phones and cards. I normally stick them in a jar and the other day I was showing them my tech savvy 8 year old Grandson. Among them was an English 5p coin which I had to admit I'd not seen for some time and even wondered if they were still in circulation. To him Alexa is the go to world of knowledge so he asks the Question ' ,Alexa are 5p's still valid in England. She replied " Yes, 5 peas are still valid and can be used in Soup and stews.  Technology is wonderful and useless when it gets it wrong. He giggled for some time after that. 

Theatre Embarrasment -  On a visit to the Theatre I wanted to check if the Toilets were inside the Theatre or in the auditorium. I asked the steward  If the toilets were inside as I gave him two tickets for me and my Wife. As he gave me the ticket stubs back I'd momentarilly forgotten my question and he said Ladies on the Left and Gents on the right. . Thinking he meant the seats I said can't we sit together. The steward and my Wife split their sides laughing and so did I when i realised what I'd said.

Chorley Buskers- During a lIve perfomance with Violinist Chris Bolton we had a special technique for when an improvisation section was coming to an end one of us  would walk towards the middle of the stage to indicate going back into the main theme. On one ocassion I decided to do a Pete Townsend  with a vibrant arm swing. Unfortunately i wacked Chris's Bow and it flew up in the air. Amazingly undetered by the high flying and spinning bow he managed to catch it and continue playing without any break in the rhythm from either of us. If we had meant it i would have seen it as brilliant theatrics but what made me laugh was the audience applause who wrongly thought it was part of the act. We could never do that again even if we practiced it for a year.

Kitchen Fire.  Chip Pans must be the bain of Fireman and have caused many a serious and even fatal outcome. My Chip Pan Fire had it's lighter moments although not funny at the time. To begin with I need to say that my brother had a holiday in Tunisia and brought my Mum an Orange plant which she loved and cherished.

One dinner time I decided to make myself some chips. I put on the Chip Pan and before it had warmed up the phone rang. It was Dad asking me to answer a pop question so he could win a Radio phone in Prize. I knew the answer and we had a little chat. After awhile there was a frantic knock on the door. Joe from next door said "Have you got a chip pan on? " I'd totally forgotten and said 'No Why ?". He replied "Because there's flames coming up the wall" . I suddenly realised I did and I said to my Dad "I'lI have to go the house is on fire" and hung up leaving him confused and rushed to the Kitchen. Everyone knows you don't put water on a chip pan but under duress mistakes happen. I grabbed a jug, put some water in it and threw it over the pan, thinking as I did it, Don't do that, causing an influx of  rising flames. My common sense then took over and I grabbed a tea towel, cooled it with water and lifted the pan off the stove and carefully carried it into the back yard. Fortunately, I did not get burned although the kitchen wall was worse for wear.. The Electrics had also cut out which we didn't discover until evening when it started going dark which was quite late as it was summertime.

My Mother was due home in about an hour so to soften the blow I went to the shop across the road and bought her some flowers and chocolates. On arrival home I said I'd had a mishap as I gave her the gifts. She was led to the kitchen where she looked at the aftermath and started crying with shock. I said "Mum it's fine, no one was hurt and we were due to have a kitchen revamp". She said "It's not that, my Orange plant is dead" Well that made me feel valued and when she rrealised what she'd said she saw the funny side. Later in the day  Mrs Donnely came over from the shop and we told her what had happened. She said she knew it must have been a fire because my face was black when I went into the shop. I'd not looked in the mirror since and promptly ran to the bathroom to see my soot ridden mush. Just as well we were insured for Fire damage. Joe' s vigilance was much appreciated considering we'd previously broken one of his windows playing cricket. That's another story from the days of street ball games. Those were the days and amazingly the neighbours always took it in their stride providing the windows were paid for. Children today are confined to bedrooms and lack the experience of a smashed window although I'm sure they smash a lot of things up on their computer games.